i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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