I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Bring me that man meat
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
