I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just come out here and I will go home with you...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
