Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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