I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
