i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
