She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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