Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
