Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
