I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
