This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
