I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
