I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
