remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
