I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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