I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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