new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
