Is it because I queefed?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
