My room smells like vodka and shame
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
