Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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