Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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