Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
