i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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