I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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