mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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