I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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