It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
