i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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