They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
where are my eyebrows?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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