This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
