It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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