While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
