If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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