Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
