So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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