i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
