I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
third nipple confirmed
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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