The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize