I'm passing your future prison.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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