I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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