I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
