Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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