Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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