she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
me + whiskey = a bad person
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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