matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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