Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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