You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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