Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
