This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
