you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.