Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter