rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...