Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"