I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i've created a new STD.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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