did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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