just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You are the jesus of drinking
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
