I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
