My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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