Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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