dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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