I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
